i have never cried so much in my life

my cheeks still hurt and my eyes are still red
these tears are tears of sadness


these tears are my escape

suprisingly, i didn't know why i was crying until
5 minutes after i woke up with a start
i was quiet, it was quiet tears



i had a dream of you



it had to be one of the most beautiful

if people ask me why i am so scared to be alone
i'd tell them it was because i never was not alone
and they would be confused
but i would understand what i was saying
and that would be all that really matters

i know i always shut people out
and then complain
i know i always try to seek pity
unconsciously

but it is so hard to deal with everything when you never really got over it all
i don't even know what i want anymore !!

in the darkness, i stood up and sat on the edge of my bed
my parents were downstairs and my sister was sleeping soundly
so i didn't worry about them

how pathetic must i look



how utterly pathetic it would be to be caught crying at 3:30 am
and having nothing to explain yourself

how pathetic




i'm sad again.